The Retreat

I’m not talking about the kind of retreat where you slowly back out of the room, or head for the hills, screaming for mercy, in the heat of battle – I’m talking about a writer’s retreat, the one I’m going to run, the one I’ve alluded to in another post this summer, which you might have picked up on if you were really paying attention. I digress. Before we can talk about that retreat though, let’s go back to the beginning of my chaotic morning where I finally drop the kids off at the splash pad, with their teenage babysitter, after getting snacks ready, bathing suits packed, water bottles filled, breakfasts eaten, pizza lunch prepped, bathroom trips executed, the dog walked and fed, and sunscreen applied. No problem!

I usher the children out of the van and on their way to splash pad bliss and breathe a huge sigh of relief. Writing time. Writing and running are the two things that I do just for me that also feel productive, if that makes sense. I see both activities as essential to my health, both physical and mental with some overlap in-between (I sometimes do squats while I’m writing – just kidding!)

I take a quick detour to the café on my way to the library where I plan to work, and grab myself a London Fog and an almond croissant, yummy. I’m watching the bespectacled youth prepare my beverage and I’m impressed with her barista skills – the abundance of milky froth. Except – this isn’t my drink. There’s been a mix-up, which I will only discover once the acrid taste of cappuccino hits my tongue, my aversion to coffee remaining as strong as ever. Now, by the time I realize the drink switch, I’ve already lugged my books across the street, trudged down to the library basement where I like to camp out, and arranged my belongings, scattered about, in my favourite spot.

Halton Hills is so saaafe I bleat internally like an innocent lamb, making a judgement call based on split-second bad decision-making that should only be reserved for last resorts. I bail on my laptop and notebooks – just my life’s work, no biggie – and head back across the street, where as fortune would have it, the café ladies are expecting me, and we seamlessly make the switch in one swift motion, exchanging acrid cappuccino for misto sweetness, and I’m back at my desk before you can say, “Wait? You did what …”

There is a funny part to this story, and it isn’t that I risked having my computer stolen for a five dollar drink. When I was back at the café the first time, loaded down with my purse and book bags and holding the scalding hot cappuccino in one hand and trying to finagle a cardboard sleeve onto it with the other hand, the hand that was also holding my croissant, a gentlemen beside me, whom I’d barely perceived in my periphery, reached out his hands and said, “Here, let me help you.” And before I could object, he did. He slid that sleeve right on while I tried to squelch any embarrassment at having needed his help. After all, I’m a grown woman. I am capable! I can do things! I am a mother and look after three children for god’s sake! I may have picked up the wrong drink order, but that’s beside the point.

Having others do things for me is both a strength and a flaw in my personality when it leads to laziness. While I’m repulsed by helplessness, I am all for resourcefulness, and I know that wherever I go I will be able to use my friendliness as a resource to not only make new friends and connections, but also to get help if I need it. This skill, of needing others, is both a blessing and a curse. The classic story, which Dan loves to bring up, took place on our one-year anniversary pre-kids. I have a long standing history of struggling to cut the meat on my plate. I know, I know. This is super embarrassing. Anyway, so here we are on this glamourous European Mediterranean cruise, and I’m privately wrestling my prime rib with my steak knife.

Dan discovered early on in our relationship that cutting meat was a challenge for me. On one of our first dates, I started cutting my steak and flung it onto my lap. No joke. Stop laughing. I was mortified, but he’s still with me, and kindly offers to be the one who cuts our kids’ meat without making me feel like too much of a failure.

Anyway, back on the cruise ship, at the gala dinner with me dressed in a ball gown, I’m wrestling my steak when our waiter comes over to our table and rushes to my side. “Please ma’am,” he says kindly and without a trace of judgement or disgust at my ineptitude, “allow me.” And he proceeds to cut my steak.

I’m just going to say that I’ve had to accept this about myself, that I’m not so great at cutting meat and that most other people are. I’m not going to stop eating steak, so I have to accept that there are better meat cutters than I in the world, and if sometimes they see me struggle and want to help, why should I say no? I have other strengths, and others would be wise to accept my help in those areas. Just don’t ask me to cut your steak.

Generally speaking, I often feel like I am a person others like to assist. I waiver back and forth on whether this is a compliment, or a huge character flaw, but more than likely it just is. Just like how in looking over photos of me, my headshot photographer and some of Dan’s work colleagues called me “cute” instead of say “sexy”, “hot” or “beautiful”, barring the appropriateness of said comments. If cute comes to mind, I’ll take it, but I’m sure most grown women would rather be called something else a bit more alluring, perhaps be taken more seriously than “cute”. Stuffed animals are cute. Baby chicks are cute. Toddlers with curls are…okay, I’m thinking of Penelope and frankly, she’s adorable! Cute doesn’t cut it. Cute has a youthful connotation to it, so I’m going to stick with that and not think of youthful as “child-like”. I am a woman, and I am cute, and I hate cutting steak! There, I said it. I feel much better.

The universe works in mysterious ways. Now the gentlemen working beside me in the library has abandoned his computer station and I’m thinking to myself someone could take that laptop, but they won’t, because I’m going to keep an eye on his stuff for him. He doesn’t know it, but I will. My way of giving back. Good karma.

Speaking of good karma, and giving back, and the fact that while others often feel the need to help me – one of my high school teachers told me I have a barometer face, and that he could look at me and gauge what the rest of the class was feeling about his lessons – maybe I look lost? Regardless, I love to create pieces that are all my own and bring ideas to life through projects, and strive in the direction of my goals. We should tell ourselves every day that I am capable. And also, that we are here to connect with each other. It isn’t so bad to accept help and a privilege to give it in return. So my idea for a writing and wellness retreat was born. I’m not retreating at all! I’m walking toward something.

That guy’s computer has gone to sleep. He’s been gone a while and really should come back soon.

I came up with the notion of running a writing and wellness retreat while vacationing at a beach cottage on Lake Huron. I knew the idea of writing retreats interested me, and I had planned to attend a few this year.  Perhaps I was feeling inspired by the sparse, paired down simplicity of life at the cottage, but something was telling me my retreat didn’t need to be fancy or perfect, just plan it, plan your retreat. I was suffering from what I would describe as “imposter syndrome”. You’re not a writing teacher! You don’t know what you’re doing! You’ve never even been to a retreat! Who do you think you are? Those beauty questions and shame-filled statements haunted me, and while they carry a tad of merit, they also just – don’t. There is nothing productive in those thoughts, nowhere to go with them. I rejected each one, and came up with my own notion of a writer’s retreat. There would be a wellness component: a chef to prepare our dinner using locally-sourced ingredients. There would be yoga. And the thing every writer craves the most: time and space to write. There would be some group discussion and opportunities to share work with an audience. I could afford to give other writers these things and it happens to be one of my strengths to bring people together. I didn’t need to be an expert teacher, I only needed to have the passion and organizational skills to make it happen. Passion I have, in abundance.

I’m pleased to announce my first writing and wellness retreat is well on its way to being born. I have space for ten ladies total. I have a beach house in waiting, a chef prepped to indulge us and a yoga instructor ready to vinyasa on the beach. I have several wonderful women writers and creatives who are ready and willing to come and a few who can’t make it to this one, but who can’t wait to come to the next one.

No matter how cheesy it is, as the retreat comes together, I can’t help but think of the movie, Field of Dreams, with Kevin Costner and the famous line that incites him to action, “If you build it, he will come.” Building my retreat has been exactly like that. Like a dream whispered in my ear that is about to come true.

The guy with the laptop never came back. I hope he’s alright. Though my writing time for the day is up, and it’s time for me to head home; I’m not going anywhere. I’m just getting started.

A Summer’s Day

I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to find the time to write or to work in the summer months – you already know. About cottages and the sun dancing across great lakes like sparkling diamonds; and children, rummaging for the hem of my shirt, lifting it up to press a smudgy face into my belly. I accidentally wrote “life it up” – I’m not convinced that wasn’t my unconscious intention.

You already know about the Sufi mystic Rumi and his love poems, and Natalie Goldberg’s Writing Down the Bones, and reading about, intuiting, the link between meditation and running. Meditation is meditation, running is running and writing is writing. Remember that.

You already know about sandy toes and the outdoor hose used to rinse before traipsing through the beach house, and the dead spider floating in the rusty bowl meant to catch the overflow. You know about wet bathing suits and coming together as a family for a bear hug in the water and jumping over waves, one after the other, all together! And screaming, screaming like banshees, and pulling little faces back out of the waves and laughing, laughing until you’re screaming again.

You already know how it is on vacation, when your outside life keeps banging at the door, demanding to be let back in. “Go away!” you shout, and how vacation isn’t really a vacation until you can let your mind go free.

You already know about afternoon G&Ts, followed by steak and red wine dinners, pulling chopped pieces of wood from the burlap bag you bought for $5 from the guy who lives on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, dragging that bag down the beach with your bare hands and little footprints behind you. About towels caught in the wind, blown to the ground, half buried in sand. The incessant wind. A wind that dries, cools, mends, soothes and breaks. The string that snapped, the kite that drowned. The waves that appear out of nowhere. And how the water can just as suddenly quiet.

You already know about fussy toilets and setting up floor fans to disperse warm air in humid rooms. And the oppressive heat that settles overhead in the middle of the day and beats you right back into submission, sand that burns soles and whiny children needing to be carried back into the house, sleepy and sun stroked in your arms.

Fires at night, with the wood you bought from the guy on the side of the road; many false starts then flames bursting, licking the wood, ravenous; finding that perfect spot for handmade roasting sticks and the one marshmallow that inevitably gets burnt, beyond eating. S’mores and sticky fingers. Chocolate-smeared faces.

A burning, searing sensation on the top of your head, causing your hairline to itch, the nauseous nagging feeling of too much sun and the pull back inside, but the counter-weight of the wind and water, of the glittering shoreline, is greater still. The gasp, “Ahh” as the water line accosts your chest, your soft side, and the chill and thrill of diving under. That refreshing feeling, as the water heaves, breathes you in, of being part of it all. Floating, tethered like a buoy, weightlessness.

About food, again. Gummy bears and a giant chocolate almond bar and pretentious crackers: organic artisan crisps of raisin, rosemary and pumpkin seed made with bulgar, Himalayan pink salt and extra virgin olive oil slathered in cream cheese and red pepper jelly. About stops at the cheese shop for squeaky curds and the local farmer’s market for peas so fresh they make you want to weep. At the fleetingness of time and seasons. And tiny beets. And cleaning out Beans Bistro of all their freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. About letting calories go.

About waking up before everyone else and cracking open a book, or watching the ducks float by, or the sun setting a sub-Saharan Africa red; or throwing on a bathing suit and cutting through the lake one efficient stroke after the other to train, or to throw on a pair of running shoes and run, run, run, feeling the pull of the wind.

About leaving showering behind, letting the children go feral with one eye open and sticking out your tongue at the passage of time with only the shadows of the sun and the rumbling of tummies to remind you that the day is moving on and you probably should too.

About thoughts from the outside world: the upcoming triathlon; planning a writer’s retreat; a trip around the world; writing that next book, and extended family – how goes our family back home? What is everyone up to? Grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. Of course, the world continues to go on.

And about monkey brain. Do you know about monkey brain? It’s when your mind hops from one thing to the next and lacks the focus to stay entirely on one subject. I am a monkey brain.

But you already know about all that. Our Canadian summer, wild and free. Fleeting. Snippets of life, at the cottage. Carry on.

Good Reasons to Get Hard Core (or hard cover) About Reading

There’s a well-known reading scenario, source unknown, that has been passed around from teacher to teacher, then parent to parent, about the impact of daily reading on students and our children called, Why Can’t I Skip My Twenty Minutes of Reading Tonight?

The mysterious author suggests, “Let’s figure it out – mathematically!”

Student A reads 20 minutes a night of every week;
Student B reads only 4 minutes a night…or not at all!

Step 1: Multiply minutes a night x 5 times each week.

Student A reads 20 min. x 5 times a week = 100 min./week
Student B reads 4 minutes x 5 times a week = 20 minutes

Step 2: Multiply minutes a week x 4 weeks each month.

Student A reads 400 minutes a month.
Student B reads 80 minutes a month.

Step 3: Multiply minutes a month x 9 months/school year.

I think you get the gist of where this is going, but essentially, by the end of grade 6, if Student A and Student B maintain the same reading habits, Student A will have read the equivalent of 60 whole school days and Student B will have read the equivalent of only 12 school days.

One would expect the gap of information retained will have widened considerably and so, undoubtedly, will school performance. How do you think Student B will feel about him/herself as a student?

Some (more) questions to ponder:

Which student would you expect to read better?
Which student would you expect to know more?
Which student would you expect to write better?
Which student would you expect to have a better vocabulary?
Which student would you expect to be more successful in school…and in life?

Again, I want to emphasize I did not come up with this formula, but I find it impactful and worthy of spreading. When I shared this piece with Ariel, her eyes grew wide and she started saying, “la la la” to drown out the noise of my insistence. She was making it clear she will read on her terms, and that’s fine. Maybe you feel the same way.

If that wasn’t enough to sway you to make time for book reading in your life – let’s say you think you’re off the hook because you’re an adult who already knows how to read – let me share the results of some pretty compelling new research that I came across in Emma Charlton’s piece, 5 Reasons Why Reading Books is Good for You. And she’s talking about books in the flesh, not just magazines, newspapers, ebooks, audiobooks, podcasts or other online reading (though don’t abandon these worthy pursuits!)

According to a recent Yale University study, people who read books live two years longer, on average, than those who don’t, even when controlling for gender, wealth, education and health. The researchers explained that deep reading promotes emotional intelligence and empathy – cognitive processes that can lead to a greater chance of survival.

Want to sound smarter?

In addition to improving your emotional intelligence and empathy, according to an Oxford University Press Report, not surprisingly reading books also broadens your vocabulary.

If you want to live longer and stave off brain damage, exercising your mind is a key component of mental health. According to the Alzheimer’s Society, “Keeping your mind active is likely to reduce your risk of dementia. Regularly challenging yourself mentally seems to build up the brain’s ability to cope with disease.” Regularly engaging in active reading of challenging books is listed as an excellent activity to stimulate your brain.

A clear mind, a varied tongue and a longer life – what’s not to love? We haven’t even factored in the learning and entertainment factor! Book reading is good for you and the life of a reader is a life well lived. End of story.

On Writing

I sat at my desk chair this morning, my mind churning with thoughts, ideas tossing and turning, waiting for that one to pop up to the surface and answer my question; to reveal the topic of the day’s writing like a future foretold by a magic eight ball.

Well, the idea’s arrived and it’s here to stay. The topic of today’s blog post is… *drumroll please!* Writing – yeah!
Writing about writing, that’s so meta, right?

Writing, writing, writing, where to start? To write well, one must read well and often. I just ran upstairs to count the books on my nightstand, which frankly, is looking a little out of control. Thirteen books await my eager eyes. I know I have another one on the way, and a notification from the library popped up that I have another book on hold available to pick up. One of those thirteen books is a hiking guide, disregard that one (unless you’re into hiking, then pick up a copy of one of Nicola Ross’ Loops and Lattes books for local hiking in your area). There were also two notebooks on my nightstand, giving us a grand total of fifteen books. One of those notebooks is a journal where I jot down thoughts, occasionally chronicle my days like in a diary and insert quotations and important lines from books I want to come back to, or remember, or use in my own work later. The second smaller notebook is lined with the names of books I have read. Two and a half years ago, I gave myself the challenge of reading one hundred books that year, and I’ve been documenting what I read ever since. This practice has come in handy! Listing books read has prevented me from reading the same book twice, and reminded me of that amazing story with the title or author that’s slipped my mind.

The book I’m currently reading, Cherry by the great memoirist Mary Karr, isn’t even on my nightstand. It’s right in front of me. I took it with me on the drive to drop off the kids at school this morning and then it followed me into the dentist’s office – just in case. You never know when you might have a spare moment to read and I like to keep my books close (read: bibliophile, much).

Of the thirteen books I’ve mentioned, a few are fiction, several are memoir, one’s for my book club, I believe there’s an anthology in there, a book profiling Canadian authors, then last but not least, there’s a book about writing. At this point, I have to mention Mary Karr’s book about writing, The Art of Memoir, as one of my favourites on the subject, and which has lead me to more of her work (Cheery, Lit). Steven King’s On Writing: a memoir of the craft is also brilliant. I pay attention when other writers whose work I enjoy mention their go-to writing bibles. Recently, Betsy Lerner’s The Forest for the Trees came to me this way after Canadian author Lindsay Wong (The Woo Woo) lauded the book in an interview. Its lovely cover is sitting top of the pile, and is inscribed with this promise: An Editor’s Advice to Writers. Yes, please! Editors are almost god-like in the writing world; they wield an indeterminable amount of power.

Me (lowly writer): Hello there Mr. or Mrs. Editor Sir, uh or Mam, won’t you please take a look at this manuscript and consider publishing my book?
Editor (for publishing house): HA-HA-HA! (evil laugh)
Me: Okay, I’m just going to leave this here, and hopefully you’ll take a look at it.
Automated message reply: Thank you for dropping your manuscript, heart, and soul, into this slush pile. Please take a seat and we’ll get back to you shortly (in six months to a year).

You guys, editors aren’t evil – not at all! But they certainly hold power to make decisions about who gets published and who does not. I love reading books written by editors who provide honest and direct feedback about what gets published and what doesn’t. A book I love for this exact reason is Pat Walsh’s 78 Reasons Why Your Book May Never Be Published & 14 Reasons Why it Just Might Be. I mean, come on! What a title. For any aspiring authors out there, it’s like, just give me the fourteen reasons! And fingers crossed your book doesn’t fall under the 78 reasons why not. I tore through that book, then accidentally stole it from the library after I returned it with a pile of other books, was sure that I returned it, noticed it was marked as unreturned in my library profile, told them I returned it and got them to remove said unreturned status. Two months later I found 78 Reasons tucked onto one of my book shelves, the cheeky devil, and I took this as a sign that I was meant to keep it. Okay, okay, I probably should still return it and buy my own copy, and one day I will, but in the meantime, I’m sure they’ve easily replaced the rogue paperback with the more than twenty dollars in late fees I’ve paid over the years. Now I’m sounding bitter – I’m not, really I’m not. I love and respect my library! Somebody’s going to send me a nasty note about this.
Maybe what I will learn from writing about this experience is that what happens in the library, should stay in the library. You guys don’t need to know all my dirty book secrets.

What I can tell you, hush, hush, is what I’m currently working on. Just a snap shot. This is kind of a faux-pas in the world of writing. In On Writing, Steven King urges writers not to do this. Talking about your writing and sharing pieces of your writing before it’s actually finished is really just a form of distraction and procrastination – touché, King. But when you’re writing a blog about writing, I think then it’s okay.

There’s my book – My Book, book – the gleaming manuscript, polished and waxed, titled and sent out into the big scary world of publishing. Fingers crossed I hear something soon (likely in the next six months, I’m told). That’s all I’ll say about that. Until it’s published, I’m “working on it”.

There’s a new book I’m working on too, but now, you see, all of a sudden I’m feeling shy. Is it because I’m worried someone will steal my ideas? Elizabeth Gilbert talks about this phenomenon in her book Big Magic, how ideas fly in, land in our heads, and while some take up residence, others move on to more accommodating abodes, homes where they can be fully appreciated. There’s a scene Gilbert writes about meeting her new friend Ann Patchett – celebrated writer and book store owner – for the first time backstage at a speaking event. Both American authors, completely unknown to each other before this moment, coming from opposite ends of the country. Naturally, the topic of, So what are you working on? comes up, and they both realize they’re each deep into the process of creating a fictional romantic story about the construction of a bridge taking place in the heart of the exact same Brazilian rainforest. What are the odds? The point is that ideas don’t really belong to us until we make them our own, and that in writing, even if two authors write about the same thing, you may approach it a million different ways. Besides, the book I’m working on isn’t a new concept, it’s been done, just not from the angle I’m going to tackle it.

So, I’ll tell you a bit about this side book project I have on the go. It involves getting rid of something every day and writing about it. I started this project last August after my family of five spent a week at my aunt’s cottage with nothing but the bare essentials: clothes and food for the week, the beach, the sun overhead and each other. There was a laundry basket filled with toys too, but the kids didn’t touch it. And we were happy, blissfully happy. It made me realize how living a life with less could be so meaningful and fulfilling, and I wanted to bring that feeling back home into our daily lives. So far, let me tell you, I cannot believe how much stuff we have to give away. I’ve sold things on Facebook groups, through Kijiji, in a garage sale, through porch pick ups, at reuse shops and to friends. Likewise, I’ve donated items to drop off bins, the Salvation Army (more times than I can count), at Wastewise, posted items for free on Facebook and passed things off to friends and family, and STILL there are more things we really don’t need or even want kicking around. I don’t believe this is a problem unique to my family. I’ve thrown many items into the trash, which tells you something about the things we keep even though nobody would want them or use them – think, dried up markers for examples.

This year I’m waging a war on stuff, and though it’s mostly a losing battle (getting rid of stuff makes you realize how much more is regularly coming in), I’ve had fun discovering and writing insights down along the way. Will this be my next book!? Maybe. I have so many other competing ideas (more on those another day), but if I’ve learned nothing from writing my first book let it be this: you have to be committed. To liken book writing to running, producing a finished manuscript is akin to finishing a marathon. Both take dedication, sustained effort, long hours of training, failure and even injury (!), but it’s the process you look back on fondly once the race is said and done. Whether this project becomes a book or not, the practice of daily writing has been worthwhile, in and of itself, and I highly recommend picking your own daily writing practice project for no other reason than the sake of the writing. Also, because nothing in your life is ever wasted. I repeat, nothing in your life is ever wasted. As a writer, everything is material.

I promised myself I would enter more writing contests this year because that would mean I am doing a lot of – surprise, surprise – *writing*. I’m currently working on two contest entries: one for Fiddlehead’s creative nonfiction contest, the other for ROOM’s creative nonfiction contest, and a third piece for contest unknown. As I write this, I’m remembering that contests have DEADLINES. I just checked, and I only have three days left until ROOM’s deadline. Eek. In completely unrelated news, I have to go. Seriously – but first – I want to share one last writing-related challenge I’ve latched on to. An idea that’s found a new home. You could use this strategy in any area of your life where it might apply. I’m working toward one hundred writing-related rejections. You heard me right. It’s well documented, but maybe less well known outside the writers’ circle, that successful writers, and even their masterpieces, are often rejected dozens to hundreds of times before they find their success. A comedy writer, whose name has escaped me, took this to heart, and decided she would aim for one hundred rejections. Along the way, she was accepted something like 63 times, and ended up getting published in places she wouldn’t have dreamed of trying before. I love the idea! I’ve got my own “on my way to success” board set up, listing all my submissions on one side, and rejections on the other. I have a long ways to go, better get to it!

If you’ve decided to adopt this reframing of failure strategy as I have, then please take these words to heart. Happy writing (or whatever it is that you do) and good luck practicing! I wish you many failures.

Be Kind, or else

I’m going to write a blog about kindness on a day when I’m not feeling particularly kind. I’m not feeling particularly unkind, just kind of blah. You know when you have to face down something difficult? It can be like standing at the top of a roaring waterfall with no way to fight back against the current. The jump is inevitable, you have to do it. It’s a long ways down, a far distance to go before the splash and the security of knowing you will resurface. I woke up with the water rushing all around me, sloshing in my head and ears, dragging me to the crest of the descent. I went over belly-up, kicking and screaming – or at least that’s how it felt getting going this morning. The cascade wasn’t pretty. Anyone who has kids and sees March break coming knows what I’m talking about.

So let me get to the point. Because we’re here for only a short while, and we’re going to talk about kindness today, dammit. Spoiler alert: I will touch on the ending of R.J. Palcio’s book Wonder (if you haven’t read it, and don’t want me to ruin the ending, this is your cue to leave…wait, come back! It’s not in a blogger’s best interest to tell their readers to leave. Just skip over the next two paragraphs, and quit whining about it already. Forget that. Be kind. No name-calling.)

The book Wonder, which I would argue is written for children and parents alike, is the story of Auggie Pullman, an intelligent boy with severe facial deformities and medical concerns who is about to attend middle school for the first time. The issues of acceptance and kindness are central to the book. At the end-of-year graduation ceremony, the school principal reminds his students in a speech, “Courage, Kindness, Friendship, Character. These are the qualities that define us as human beings, and propel us, on occasion, to greatness.”

He goes on to remark:
“Greatness lies not in being strong, but in the right using of strength…He is the greatest whose strength carries up the most hearts…He is the greatest whose strength carries up the most hearts by the attraction of his own.” The principal is of course referring to the boy who showed true strength and courage throughout the entire school year, just by showing up, in the face of ignorance.

He is the greatest whose strength carries up the most hearts by the attraction of his own. Wow, that’s powerful. And to me, that evokes kindness, compassion, empathy.
This way of being reminds me of a great philosopher, visionary, and disability-rights activist, Jean Vanier, who writes, “theirs is not a life centered on the mind. So it is that the people with intellectual disabilities led me from a serious world into a world of celebration, presence, and laughter: the world of the heart.” He describes the relationship between the one who is healed and the one who is healing as constantly changing places. Everyone has something to offer, and we all have times of need. In his book Becoming Human, Vanier writes about our fears of those who are different from us, “…because we are not clear about what it means to be human…we have disregarded the heart.”

Kindness, or at least the form of kindness where we must appear vulnerable in front of the cool kids to do the right thing, isn’t a weakness then, it’s a strength. A strength of the heart. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by showcasing and accepting our strengths, as well as our weaknesses, is what makes us human.

I love the tie in with disability, because having a disability or being viewed as disabled is so commonly perceived as a weakness in our society. But we must also accept and acknowledge that it is a strength. Differences can be perceived as weaknesses or they can be perceived as strengths. No matter how you spin it, it’s important to point out that what we perceive, or society perceives, as our greatest weakness can in fact be our greatest strength.

I’m getting derailed here. I’m supposed to be talking about kindness, and I’m talking a whole lot about strength. I guess that’s because what I’m getting at is that kindness, and our great capacity for compassion and to feel empathy for another, is a huge strength, maybe the greatest one we have.

Kindness is contagious, and it helps us to build connections. I experienced this when I responded in kind to the caring words that came my way when I started my new blog. I felt compelled to reach out to another writer and compliment their writing. The compliment was genuine, but the feelings of kindness that had first been directed toward me helped draw it out.

Kindness is hard-wired in our DNA and essential to our humanity (even if it’s hard to admit it when you’re having a grumpy day), but you still have to choose to be kind. “When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind.” Another quotation in Wonder, this one from Dr. Wayne Dyer.

And if you’re going to choose kind, that kindness has to start with being kind to oneself. For me, that kindness looks like not berating myself for reading a book when I should be writing, or taking too long to start writing, or producing writing that isn’t good enough (the theme of this morning is writing challenges). In truth, I panicked slightly once I realized the kids were all out of the house, and so I better get to work NOW, TIME is running out! But where to focus, I have no idea WHAT I’M DOING (though I have lots of things to do), until I took a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. I walked the dog. I made myself two fried eggs and a piece of cinnamon honey toast so that my belly felt warm and full. I drank my tea. Then I patted myself gently on the back, and said, “it’s okay, take your time. You’ll come around.” I read a book, Heroes in My Head by Judy Rebick, for half an hour. Finally, without judgement, I sat down and I wrote a blog. The blog in front of you. Part of me is still kicking and screaming into the mist, stuck in that downwards flow, but mostly I’m one with my surroundings now. One with the beauty of nature around me. With kindness: that’s where it all starts.

In the Face of Failure

I have a lot of good things going for me right now: a new website and blog I’m proud of, speaking engagements, a finished manuscript ready for publication, national conference presenter, a roof over my head, and a husband, family and friends who love me.

Maybe I need to remind myself of these great things in the face of failure, in the full throes and embodiment of it.
At exactly 7:28 p.m., on the last day of February, I looked on from my folding chair in the spectator aisle as my daughter and her friend high-fived their Taekwondo teacher, Master K. From the corner of my vision, I saw my phone light up in my purse. I reached for it casually, picking it up and scanning the notification. As the girls got their boots on, and kids shuffled past me in a flurry of frenetic activity, I hung on to hope, and immediately opened the email that had arrived. The email I’ve been waiting months to receive.

UBC sent me the following message:

“Dear Respected Applicant,
We regret to inform you…” my heart stopped there. I slouched down in my chair, and re-read the message. I didn’t get in to the Master’s program I so desired.
“…almost 300 applications. The caliber of the work was high, the rankings were very competitive, faculty had to make some difficult decisions.”
Wrap it in a bow, make it look pretty, then sugar coat it any way you want. I didn’t get in. My heart was set on it, and it didn’t happen.

What about the people who wrote letters for me? MG Vassanji, a highly respected, award-winning author; my sister-in-law, a creative writing professor in charge of Master’s admissions in her own right; my good friend, a college prof and successful copywriter – have I let them all down?
And why? Why didn’t I get in? Is it because the competition was stiff? Because I used a relative as a reference? Because I haven’t yet published in a serious journal or won any awards? Because I submitted my first earnest attempts at fiction alongside my polished non-fiction excerpts, or they didn’t like my thesis project, or I didn’t explain myself well? Because my writing’s not good enough? Because I’m not good enough? I don’t believe in that last one. And you shouldn’t ever either.

There are a host of other reasons why I may not have gotten in. Maybe I put my name in the wrong box, or out of order.
To this day, I have my suspicions I didn’t get early acceptance into the teacher’s college consecutive education program after high school on the basis that I mixed up my first and last names in the boxes. What is your surname versus your given name? Oops. I couldn’t follow the instructions, and so they never even looked at the rest of my application. Or so I’ve imagined. But you know what? We’ll never know. And I’ll never know why I didn’t get into UBC’s program this time, either. And you know what else? It doesn’t matter.

At the risk of sounding grandiose and self-important, I trust there will be other great things coming my way, that the universe has a plan for me, and a way of working itself out.
If I had gotten into that consecutive education program out of high school, I would have never gone to Western, and never met my future husband, the love of my life, and experienced all that followed.

You know what else? After my failure to get early acceptance into teacher’s college, I dedicated the rest of my university years to making sure I would get in the next time. I worked even harder to that end. And guess what? That hard work paid off. I applied to six teacher’s colleges, including driving all the way from London to Ottawa with a friend to take a French competency test as part of one application. Then, during that highly competitive double cohort year, I got in. I got accepted into every single one.
When the timing is right, and if it’s what I’m truly meant to be doing with my life, I’m confident I will get into a Master’s of Fine Arts program, too. The same can be said for publishing my first book, winning a contest or receiving some form of recognition as a writer.

As we drove home, I asked the two seven-year-olds in the car what you should do if you fail. They both pipped up, “Try again! You have to keep going! Never give up! That’s called perseverance.” I told them they were wise beyond their years. They didn’t understand what that meant, but that’s beside the point.
The point is, I don’t pretend to understand the mysteries of the universe, but I have faith and I will persist. Hell, you can bet I’m going to work even harder now, and whether I eventually get in or not, it will have been worth it.

Perhaps it’s foolish to announce my failure to be accepted into a prestigious writing program at the moment I’ve officially declared myself as a writer to the world. Or maybe, just maybe, it makes me human.

How to Find the Perfect Book

What I’ve learned from reading a hundred books, two years in a row.

 

There is so much more to reading than the mere act: choosing a good book is an art form in itself. Yet, books are for people of all ages, stages, abilities and interests, and I guarantee you there is a book – or ten – written specifically for you. You have what it takes to find it without being a bibliophile or getting a degree in book-ology. There’s many a story that will reach right into the core of your being, take hold, look you dead in the eye, and say, “There. This. I hear you. This is why you are here.”

I long for those books, the ones that get me, that seem to be speaking directly to my inner voice, conversing in tongues or love languages or whatever other voodoo that seems to take place. Finding the right book, simply put, feels magical.

But how does one go about hunting down the perfect book, that elusive species that isn’t necessarily Heather’s pick and on the bookstore’s shelf front and centre (though that’s not a terrible place to peruse)?

And for those who don’t have time to read a hundred books a year, how do you maximize the time you do have by narrowing down the books you need to get through to find The One?

 

Here are my tips for happy reading, and finding the right book:

 

#1 The shiniest, most widely acclaimed, award-winning books aren’t necessarily the show stoppers.

Don’t get me wrong. I love a newly-released, highly-decorated hard-covered title like the next book-lover, but these aren’t necessarily the books that will resonate with you. Many books that earn high praise are marketable, which is not the same as a well-written, deeply moving story. Save your hard-earned cash, and wait until the book comes out in soft cover a year later. If people are still talking about it then, it may be worth the read.

 

#2 Visit your local library. A hidden gem may jump up at you off the shelf.

I’ve discovered many a new best friend, and treasured story walking past book stacks. Trusted librarians curate content for the end of the stacks, and guess what? Those librarians know what they’re talking about! I’ve found diamonds looking back at me from the exposed shelf. On this note…

 

#3 Search for books specifically in a topic that interests you. Browse by section in your library or beloved book store.

When I’m in the mood for a memoir, I visit the autobiographical/biography section in Chapters, and sure enough, there are often several titles that catch my eye. A few of these books, found in this method, have defined me as a writer. The same goes for the library. Who knew (however obvious this seems to me now) there was an entire shelf in my local library dedicated to writers and writing. Of course there is! Some of those books are terrible! But some have served to enlighten, to educate, and have spoken to me so loudly, I can’t believe I may ever have missed their call, which brings me to the next point…books you should ignore.

 

#4 Don’t read a book that doesn’t interest you!

This may seem obvious, but how many people do you know who refuse to abandon a book they aren’t enjoying? If you start reading, and the book isn’t good, please, do yourself a favour and put it back or return it. Start anew.
Your time is precious, and you don’t owe that book – or that author – anything. Someone else will like that book – it’s just not for you. No need to feel bad about it! Nobody’s feelings will be hurt if you stop reading one page in, or even – GASP – half way through. I have done both. I’ve also pushed through to finish when I shouldn’t have, and taken ten times longer to read a book that should have taken a few days. A great strategy to help decide whether or not a book is for you is to read the cover flap, and then let the book flop open to a random page and read it. Alternatively, read the first few pages before you even step away from the shelf, and trust me, you’ll know, you’ll just KNOW.

Books that I’m enjoying – and yes, my happiness is paramount here (even if the book is bringing me to tears) – I usually read quickly, unless it’s a longer book. I’m talking two or three days – maximum two weeks. If a book takes me longer than a week or two to read, there may be a problem. I either need to reprioritize my reading time (unlikely), or (more likely) the book isn’t great. I want a book that draws me in, that makes me want to read through dinner, that calls from the front seat (because I took it with me JUST IN CASE) when I’m driving the kids to school; that I crack open while sitting on the bleachers through my kids’ gymnastics practice. The book I read from the passenger seat on the 45 minute drive to my in-laws, whom I adore, and when my beloved family gets out of the car to go into their house, I physically have to tear myself away to join them. I want a book that demands to be picked up from the moment I first wake up, to the last second before I fall asleep. Believe me, I have read many such books – they do exist! And you deserve to read them too. Hold out for the books that grab you, and if they don’t, and you’re not enjoying yourself – as Queen Elsa says, let it go.

 

#5 Keep that friend who reads in your back pocket.

Unless you personally know or happen to be a book critic, chances are your next best bet for discovering quality reads is second hand from that friend who reads. I’m talking about the friend you know who reads a lot. Maybe they’re a librarian, or teacher, or writer, or English major. These are all safe bets. If they’re your friend in the first place, it’s likely you will have a thing or two in common, and chances are good you may like the same type of books that they like. Maybe not. It’s worth the risk to ask your well-read friend for their favourite titles. Don’t be shy about this. If there’s one thing your loves-to-read, lives and breathes books friend loves, it’s talking about books. Indulge them! You may not regret it, and you may discover the book that imprints for life on your heart.

If all else fails, go for complete randomness. You might end up pleasantly surprised. I’ve walked into used books stores, and come out with an essential read. I came across one of the best books of my life this way, Lucy Grealy’s Autobiography of a Face. Again, independent book stores are owned by people who love books. If you tell the store owner or worker what you like, they will likely be able to hone in on a book suited to your tastes (probably more so than the big-box book stores).

Whatever your level of engagement with books, your commitment to the search, I wish you great literary fortune. When it comes down to it, books represent the greatest wealth there is, our collective thoughts and histories. May you be greedy in your search to find the best of them.